Amigurumi Nativity: Crocheted Joseph Pattern

Every Christmas my goal is to come up with a pattern for a new nativity figure. 

Last year was Mary and baby Jesus and this year is Joseph! (Update 2/1/12: there's an angel too)

Joseph Amigurumi Pattern

Notes on this pattern:

• My patterns are free and may not be sold. Please do not reproduce or repost patterns or instructions from CraftyCattery.com without my permission. For information on selling items created from my patterns, please view the FAQ.
• There are a few color changes in this pattern. Aside from that, the most complicated part of the pattern to crochet is the headband which is crocheted in the round (as opposed to in a spiral which is the traditional amigurumi way). There are also a few pieces that are crocheted flat.
• The finished size of the figure is 5 inches.

Materials needed:

• Bulky weight yarn in a flesh color, blue (for headcloth and robe), red (for body and headband) and brown (for beard and hair). I used Lion Brand Jiffy.
• Size H (5.00 mm) crochet hook
• Yarn needle
• Stuffing
• Optional: Bean bag plastic pellets. Putting some of these in the bottom of the Joseph figure can help it balance better. Make sure the pellets are large enough that they won't work their way through the crochet stitches. Pellets are not recommended if small children may have access to the figure.

Abbreviations used in this pattern:

• Rnd = round, when doing continuous crochet
• Row = row, when doing flat crochet
• sc = single crochet
• st = stitch
• sts = stitches
• ch = chain
• slp st = slip stitch
• sc2tog = single crochet two stitches together, aka a decrease. (I recommend using falwyn's invisible decrease.) sc3tog = single crochet three stitches together.

The pattern:

Joseph's Arm
Make two using spiral crochet. Begin with flesh color:
Rnd 1: 4 sc in magic ring (4 sts).
Rnd 2: [2 sc in next st, sc 1] two times (6 sts).
Rnd 3: sc around (6 sts).
Color change to red:
Rnd 4: sc around (6 sts).
Rnd 5: [2 sc in next st, sc 1] three times (9 sts).
Rnd 6: sc around (9 sts).
Rnd 7: sc around (9 sts).
Rnd 8: sc around (9 sts).
Rnd 9: sc around (9 sts).
Rnd 10: sc around (9 sts).
Bind off, leaving tail to use to sew arm to body. Stuff arm.

Joseph's Head and Body
Using spiral crochet. Beginning with flesh color:
Rnd 1: 6 sc in magic ring (6 sts).
Rnd 2: 2 sc in each st around (12 sts).
Rnd 3: [2 sc in next st, sc 1] six times (18 sts).
Rnd 4: [2 sc in next st, sc 2] six times (24 sts).
Rnd 5: [2 sc in next st, sc 3] six times (30 sts).
Rnd 6: sc around (30 sts).
Rnd 7: sc around (30 sts).
Rnd 8: [sc2tog, sc 3] six times (24 sts).
Rnd 9: [sc2tog, sc 2] six times (18 sts).
Rnd 10: [sc2tog, sc 1] six times (12 sts).
Color change to red:
Rnd 11: sc around (12 sts).
Rnd 12: [2 sc in next st, sc 3] three times (15 sts).
Rnd 13: [2 sc in next st, sc 4] three times (18 sts).
Rnd 14: [2 sc in next st, sc 5] three times (21 sts).
Rnd 15: [2 sc in next st, sc 6] three times (24 sts).
Rnd 16: [2 sc in next st, sc 7] three times (27 sts).
Rnd 17: [2 sc in next st, sc 8] three times (30 sts).
Rnd 18: [2 sc in next st, sc 9] three times (33 sts).
Rnd 19: sc around (33 sts).
Rnd 20: [2 sc in next st, sc 10] three times (36 sts).
Rnd 21: sc around (36 sts).
Rnd 22: sc around (36 sts).
Sew arms to body underneath head. Stuff head and upper part of body (stuffing it partially now is easier than trying to stuff the whole thing as you are closing it up).
Rnd 23: [sc2tog, sc 4] six times (30 sts).
Rnd 24: [sc2tog, sc 3] six times (24 sts).
Rnd 25: [sc2tog, sc 2] six times (18 sts).
Rnd 26: [sc2tog, sc 1] six times (12 sts).
Stuff the rest of the body. Add plastic bean bag pellets if desired.
Rnd 27: [sc2tog] six times (6 sts).
Bind off, closing hole and weaving in tail.

Joseph’s Headcloth
See the pattern for Mary's Veil for photos on how the headcloth is crocheted. Crocheted flat. Using blue:
Row 1: ch 11. sc in second chain from hook. [sc in each chain] eight times (with first sc, a total of 9 sc). In 10th chain, 4 sc. Work back down the other side of the chain doing sc in each chain (total of 9 sc), ch 1 turn (22 sts).
Row 2: sc 9, 2 sc in next 4 sts, sc 9, ch 1 turn (26 sts).
Row 3: sc 9, 2 sc in next 8 sts, sc 9, ch 1 turn (34 sts).
Row 4: sc across, ch 1 turn (34 sts).
Row 5: sc across, ch 1 turn (34 sts).
Row 6: sc across, ch 1 turn (34 sts).
Row 7: sc across, ch 1 turn (34 sts).
Row 8: sc across, ch 1 turn (34 sts).
Row 9: sc across, ch 1 turn (34 sts).

You can stop there, but I like to run a chain of single crochet across the bottom to even out the edges. Here’s how to do it: After Row 9, ch 1 then sc across bottom (about 18 or 19 st). When you reach the end, ch 1 then slp st in first stitch on other edge. Bind off, weaving in tails.

Unfinished bottom edge on headcloth.

Single crochet across the bottom edge.

Finished bottom edge on headcloth.

Joseph’s Headband
Crochet in the round in red:
Rnd 1: ch 26. Join by slp st in the first st (so you will have a circle)
Rnd 2: sc all. There will be a gap at the end so close it by slp st in the first st in the round.
Bind off, leaving tail to use to sew on headband.

Chain 26.

Join chain using slip stitch to form circle.

Single crochet around circle.

Close circle using slip stitch.

Joseph’s Robe
Crochet flat in blue:
Row 1: ch 11. sc in second chain from hook. sc in each chain 9 more times (for a total of 10 sts). ch 1 and turn.
Row 2: sc across, ch 1 and turn (10 sts).
Row 3: sc across, ch 1 and turn (10 sts).
Row 4: 2 sc in first st, sc 8, 2 sc in last st, ch 1 and turn (12 sts).
Row 5: sc across, ch 1 and turn (12 sts).
Row 6: sc across, ch 1 and turn (12 sts).
Row 7: 2 sc in first st, sc 10, 2 sc in last st, ch 1 and turn (14 sts).
Row 8: sc across, ch 1 and turn (14 sts).
Row 9: sc across, ch 1 and turn (14 sts).
Row 10: 2 sc in first st, sc 12, 2 sc in last st, ch 1 and turn (16 sts).
Row 11: sc across, ch 1 and turn (16 sts).
Row 12: sc across, ch 1 and turn (16 sts).
Row 13: 2 sc in first st, sc 14, 2 sc in last st, ch 1 and turn (18 sts).
Row 14: sc across, ch 1 and turn (18 sts).
Row 15: sc across, ch 1 and turn (18 sts).
Row 16: 2 sc in first st, sc 16, 2 sc in last st, ch 1 and turn (20 sts).
Row 17: sc across (20 sts).

Joseph's Robe Edging: Note that the stitch counts in parenthesis in this section are approximate and may vary. If you don’t end up using exactly the same number of stitches as I did, it’s okay.

1. Chain 1 and single crochet up the side, stopping about 2/5ths of the way from the top (9 sts).
2. To make the arm hole, chain enough stitches to be even with the top row (6 sts).
3. Use slip stitch to join the chain to the last stitch in the top row.
4. Chain 1, turn and single crochet back down the side (15 sts).
5. At the bottom corner, chain 1 and single crochet across the bottom row (21 sts).
6. At the end of the bottom row, repeat steps 1-4 for the next side. Then chain 1 and join it using a slip stitch into the first stitch in the bottom row. Bind off and weave in ends.

Here's a slide show showing how the edging on the robe is done:

Joseph’s Beard
Crochet flat in brown (leave long tail for sewing to face):
Row 1: ch 8. sc in second chain from hook. sc in each chain 6 more times (for a total of 7 sts). ch 1 and turn.
Row 2: sc across, ch 1 and turn (7 sts).
Row 3: sc2tog, sc 3, sc2tog, ch 1 and turn (5 sts).
Row 4: sc across, ch 1 and turn (5 sts).
Row 5: sc2tog, sc 1, sc2tog, ch 1 and turn (3 sts).
Row 6: sc3tog (1 st).
Bind off and weave in tail.

Final Construction
Put headcloth and headband on Joseph and sew them down. Sew beard to Joseph's face. Add hair if desired. Put on his robe by sticking the arms through the arm holes. If you want his arms to be down instead of sticking out, you can hold them down and use some yarn to sew them to his sides.
Pair Joseph with Mary and baby Jesus and enjoy your nativity!

Short Stories on the Droid Kindle App

I have not yet jumped on the Kindle/Nook/e-reader train, but I am warming up to the idea. I've played around with my friend's Kindle and while it's nice I'm not ready to buy one yet. I don't think I would prefer an e-reader to an actual paper novel - I can't take the Kindle in the bath with me, can I? Well I CAN but it probably wouldn't be a good idea!

But what I do have is a Droid smart phone:

While I wouldn't want to read an entire novel using the Kindle app on my phone, I have found that many people are now selling short stories through the Kindle store and they are the perfect length for reading in those few minutes while I'm riding in the car or waiting at the doctor's office. And many of them are only $0.99!

This is great because, for the most part, you won't find these short stories anywhere else. Sure, some of them have been published in magazines or short story collections but many of them are out of print or hard to find.

My favorite short story Kindle author so far is Kristine Kathryn Rusch. She has lots of short stories, varying from mystery to fantasy to science fiction. My two favorites are The Case of the Vanishing Boy (a mystery set at a sci-fi convention!) and The Secret Lives of Cats (a mystery solved by cats!). She also has several collections, such as Five Fantastic Tales where you get five fantasy stories for $2.99.

These are short stories so most can be read in twenty minutes or so. Short stories don't often list page counts so it's hard to judge their length, but most of Rusch's stories are between 20-50 KB. Many will let you preview a certain percent of the story and that can give you a bit of an idea as to how long it is.

Treasure Island on the Droid

The picture above gives you an idea of how the text looks on the Droid. It's easy to read and if you have bad eyes like me you can make the text larger. And the Droid is backlit unlike the Kindle, which needs an external light to be read at night. That means I can read it in bed or in the car after dark without bugging my husband with a light.

Again, I wouldn't want to read a whole book on my Droid (I think I'd go blind) but for short stories it's perfect!

Books I Read in 2010 - Part 2

This year I decided to keep track of the books I read by listing them in the sidebar. Now that the year is over, I thought that I'd give some of the highlights and lowlights of the books I read this year. All books have an Amazon link. There were a lot of books so I've split it up into two parts - Part 1 is here.

My Favorite Non-Fiction Books: Yes Man by Danny Wallace and Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

Most of the non-fiction I read is humor. These two guys are at the top. Danny comes across as a bumbling, well-meaning idiot when he decides to say "Yes" to everything asked of him for a year. By the way, do NOT bother with the Jim Carrey movie, it is nothing like the book. Conversely, if you've seen the movie don't judge the book based on it! Danny's other book, Join Me, is excellent too (he accidentally starts a cult).I have never heard or read David Sedaris before this year. We picked Me Talk Pretty for book club and I ended up reading it while staying with my grandma as she recovered from a shoulder replacement surgery. I was laughing out loud almost constantly! Finally she asked me what was so funny and I read a portion of it to her. Thankfully it was one of the "clean" stories, about David and his non-French classmates trying to explain Easter to another classmate in French. We both laughed ourselves silly over it.

Most Depressing Book: The Boat by Nam Le

First, let me say that I am the kind of person who likes a happy ending. Or at least a not-unhappy ending. I read to escape and have fun so I tend to avoid books that aren't fun. The Boat is a book of short stories recommended by a friend to a member of my book club and they are all very depressing. Every. Single. One. It's just my opinion, but it seems to me that some writers think that sad endings automatically make a story better. It doesn't. I was more than happy to put this book in my give-away pile.

*

Here are the rest of the books I read, each with a sentence or two summarizing my thoughts.

• The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson

• I've been sucked into this series like the rest of the country. Liked this one okay, liked the first one better.
• Brooklyn by Colm Toibin
• Irish girl moves to Brooklyn by herself in the 1950's. The main character was dull, she just did whatever anyone else told her and by the end hadn't changed. I don't recommend it.
• The Strangely Beautiful Tale of Miss Percy Parker by Leanna Renee Hieber
• I heard the author of this book speak at Phoenix Comicon. It sounded good (a Victorian fantasy) so I picked it up. I liked it, even thought the main character is a "damsel in distress" (she's always having to be rescued or protected) and I generally like my MC's a bit more independent.
• Wings by Aprilynne Pike
• Also heard this author speak at Phoenix Comicon. A teen discovers she's a fairy. Good, but it was written more for teens than for me so I think I'll skip the rest of the series.
• Sunken Treasure by Wil Wheaton

•  Enjoyed Wil's (Wesley Crusher, Star Trek) various short stories, though I wouldn't recommend the print version unless you are a big fan (it's print on demand so it's kind of pricey).
• Shanghai Girls by Lisa See
• Typical Lisa See, struggling Asian women in historical settings. Good but not my favorite.
• There's No Place Like Here by Cecelia Ahern
• Good, light, chick-lit fantasy. A woman ends up in the place were all lost things go.
• Plum Spooky by Janet Evanovich
• Honestly I don't remember the plot of this one - I can't keep the Stephanie Plums apart. I think there was the Jersey Devil, maybe?
• Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella
• Another entertaining chick-lit book. Woman gets amnesia and has a chance to start her life over.
• Inglorious Basterds: A Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino

• I loved this movie. Loved loved loved it. So I wanted to read the screenplay to pick up a few tidbits that didn't make it into the movie.
• Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Browne and King
• I'm sure this is a great book but for a first time novelist (I got it to help with my 2009 NaNoWriMo story) it was overwhelming and I gave up on editing my book.
• How To Write Mysteries by Shannon O'Cork
• Checked this out from the library and found it very helpful. Went back to check it out for 2010's  NaNoWriMo and found that the library had gotten rid of it! Makes me feel less sorry for them when they complain that they  have no money for books - if you can't buy new books, why are you getting rid of ones that people are still using? Ended up buying it used from Amazon.
• Ford County Stories by John Grisham
• My husband loves Grisham so I  read this one on a whim. It was good but I wouldn't have bought it for myself.
• Rumpole and the Reign of Terror by John Mortimer

• Found this at the dollar store and got it more for my dad than myself. Having never read Rumpole before there were a few things I didn't follow but overall it was worth the dollar!
• Star Trek by Alan Dean Foster
• A direct novelization of the 2009 movie. Only recommend to obsessive fans like myself!

Books I Read in 2010 - Part 1

This year I decided to keep track of the books I read by listing them in the sidebar. Now that the year is over, I thought that I'd give some of the highlights and lowlights of the books I read this year. All books have an Amazon link. There were a lot of books so I've split it up into two parts - Part 2 will be posted tomorrow (it's up now - here).


My Favorite Fiction Book: Storm Front by Jim Butcher

"Harry Dresden--Wizard
Lost items found. Paranormal investigations.
Consulting. Advice. Reasonable rates.
No Love Potions, Endless Purses, Parties, or Other Entertainment."

Yes! An urban fantasy series that's not a romance! No hot vampires! No sexy werewolves! And it's funny to boot - I want to read more!

*

The Book I Wasn't Expecting to Like But Did: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows

Two things made me think I would not like this book. First, it is completely written as letters from the characters to each other - when I started reading I thought that would be annoying but after a while I got used to it. Second, the title of this book reminded me of the cutesy books about ladies getting together over some sort of hobby (cooking, knitting, etc.), discovering themselves and whatnot but thankfully Guernsey is nothing like that! It's about the people on an isolated British island that was occupied by the Germans during WWII and what happens to them after war. But it's not dry at all - the characters are interesting and there is quite a bit of romance.

*

The Book I Couldn't Finish: Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris

This book isn't officially on my list of books I read this year since I didn't actually finish it. It was another book club pick. It's supposed to be a workplace comedy which sounded perfect for us as we all met through a fansite for The Office television show. The book wasn't awful, exactly, but it was only mildly funny and the fact that the author writes page-long paragraphs made me give up on it before I came to the end (ha ha?).

*

Here are some of the other books I read, each with a sentence or two summarizing my thoughts.

• The World According to Clarkson by Jeremy Clarkson
• Somehow I have become a fan of Top Gear (a BBC car show) and Jeremy is the show's lead presenter. He can be rude and offensive but also very funny.
• Tongues of Serpents by Naomi Novik 
• Dragons in Napoleonic England (or Australia in this book) - love this series!

• Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger
• Interesting premise (ghosts), awesome local (Highgate cemetery in London), but the characters are dull and act unbelievably and the story just gets weird at the end.
• Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi
•  Portia gives interesting insight into eating disorders; enjoyed it though the anorexia stuff made me squirm and I would've liked to know more about her life after the disorder.
• Mysterious America by Loren Coleman
• About "cryptids" - stuff like Bigfoot and skunk apes - in the US. Interesting if you are in to that sort of thing, though it does get a bit repetitive (What? Someone claims they've seen something but no one believes them?).
• The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton

• Another book club book, about a mysterious English family and their long-lost daughter. I'm middle of the road on this one, it was good but way too long.
• Nightschool Vol 1-3 by Svetlana Chmakova
• Did I only read one graphic novel series this year? Guess so. This one was okay but not as good as Svetlana's other series, Dramacon.
• Fearless Fourteen by Janet Evanovich
• Standard Stephanie Plum but that's not bad. A quick, entertaining read.
• One for the Money by Janet Evanovich
• Went back to read the first Stephanie Plum for book club. We all loved it - it's still as good as it was a decade ago. I'm not a Katherine Heigl fan so I'm not looking forward to the movie.
• Not a Girl Detective by Susan Kandel
• Got this for a dollar at Walmart. It was worth the dollar.

Free Christmas Craft Instructions

I thought I'd do a quick post reviewing the Christmas craft instructions and patterns from The Crafty Cattery. If you're looking for gifts to make for yourself or someone else, consider these!

Amigurumi Nativity Crochet Pattern. So far it's just Mary and baby Jesus but I plan to release a new pattern each year for another figure in the Nativity.

Felt Advent Calendar. Includes instructions for making the calendar and ornaments. No patterns for the ornaments, unfortunately. You're on your own with those!

Christmas Card Holder. Instructions for making a very simple string and clothespin card holder.

Peppermint Felt Tree Skirt. Instructions for making a simple tree skirt.

Not really Christmas themed but these still make good gifts:

Big Bad Wolf Amigurumi Pattern. Crochet a little friend for the wolf lover in your life!

Printable Office paper dolls. Free PDF paper dolls of Dwight, Michael, Pam, Jim and Creed. Make great stocking stuffers!

It's NaNoWriMo Time Again!

NaNoWriMo is less than a week away! What's NaNoWriMo, you ask? It stands for National Novel Writing Month, which is a world-wide event that takes place every November where folks attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in a month.

I'm participating again this year (see this post for more information on what I did last year) and have been busy this week with my novel planning. It's going to be a challenge with my brother's wedding this month but I think I can do it. It helps that we don't have any plans for Thanksgiving so I can stay home and write!

If you're one of those people who has always wanted to write a novel but never got around to it, NaNoWriMo might be for you! Before NaNo last year I had never finished writing a short story, much less a whole book. Since then I have started writing more, including two short stories (one of which I entered in a contest and is posted here). I am very excited about my story this year and can't wait to start writing!

If you decide to attempt NaNoWriMo, look me up on the NaNo website so we can be writing buddies! My username there is Clockwise.

Happy writing!

P.S. I try not to make excuses for not posting new projects, but the reason I haven't had anything new for months is that I have been working on a very big project: an animated short film! Though I've been working on it since May I am only about halfway through and now because of NaNo it is getting pushed to the back burner. I hope to get it finished before the end of the year but that might be wishful thinking. Here's a teaser trailer I made to show to my friends who are the "actors" in the film (I felt bad about making them wait so long to see the finished product!).

Tea Lovers' Roundup on Muffins and More

Ms Muffin of Muffins and More is doing a Tea Lovers' Roundup this month where she features a different tea-related project each day. I'm happy to say that today's project is the Knitted Tea Cozy I made for my dad! Check it out, and while you're there take a look at all the other Tea Lover's projects. My favorite so far is the first one - cupcakes baked in tea cups. How adorable!

Makin' Bacon: A Short Story

A couple months ago I wrote a 2000 word short story for a contest, the object of which was to describe what was happening in the above "fanart" showing writer John Scalzi as an orc and writer/actor Wil Wheaton riding a unicorn pegasus kitten (I named it Purrgasus!). The results were announced today and, big surprise, I didn't win. I don't feel too bad about it since it's my first short story and there were over 300 others entered in the contest. Since there's no chance that my story will ever be published I thought that I would post it here. Enjoy!

MAKIN' BACON

Somewhere on Mount Fail, late morning.

“Is someone making bacon?” The lone Scalzi orc gave several sniffs and abruptly abandoned his pursuit of the Evil One to search the human soldiers’ camp for any sign of the savory meat. He paid no heed to the gagging sounds the soldiers made when he passed into their sight, nor to the Evil One and his feline monstrosity, who were rapidly making their escape.

The captain of the soldiers groaned and hid his eyes from the green-skinned orc, lest he be sick again. How could he have been foolish enough to let the Evil One go? He even cheered for him as he flew away! Vainly he tried to rally his company. “Prepare another net! Bring him back down!” he ordered. The soldiers pulled themselves up and gave it their best but it was far too late. In the end, they could only watch helplessly as the Purrgasus and the Evil One disappeared into the distance.

“Curse you, Wil Wheaton!” the captain screamed, tears of hate and frustration escaping from his eyes. Though the object of his anger had vanished from sight, an obnoxious cackle was carried back to the captain on the foul-smelling wind. It was followed by the Evil One’s parting words: “Yes, I am that gooooood!”

Fifteen minutes earlier…

Mount Fail spewed its ash and cinders over the burning land for miles and filled the sky with stinking clouds of sulfur and ash. Below all this, in a slight hollow halfway down the volcano’s side, hid six dirty and weary soldiers. They had camped there for days now, holding their heads low and covering themselves with fireproof cloaks to guard against the flaming debris that floated down from the volcano’s mouth. It paid to be cautious on Mount Fail. Only that morning the seventh member of their company had rushed to be first in line for breakfast and neglected his protective cloak. The sight of his crimson uniform bursting into flames would give his fellow soldiers nightmares for years to come.

Their captain flicked away a small pile of accumulated ash from his cloak. “Not long now, eh lieutenant?” he said to the fresh-faced young man crouched next to him.

“Sir, are you sure this is a good idea?” asked his second-in-command, pulling his cloak tighter around his shoulders. “How can we possibly be a match for so much evil?”

“Oh come now! Have I ever led you wrong?” replied the captain. “The Evil One will come and we will capture him, I give you my word! As I always say, ‘He who is on the side of rightness…should watch out for his left!’” The captain laughed and clapped the lieutenant on the shoulder. The younger man spent a moment trying to understand the captain’s proverb before deciding that it was impossible.

“Something’s coming!” the lookout called from her position near the top of the hollow. She pointed to a creature emerging from the ring of smog that hugged the peak of Mount Fail. With a single deadly horn, two foul brown wings and a mouth crammed with cruel, needle-sharp teeth the legendary Purrgasus was unmistakable. On its back was a rider – the Evil One.

The captain jumped to his feet. “Ready the net!” he ordered. The soldiers scrambled to comply while their leader kept his eye on the man riding the flying beast. “Steady… Steady…” He watched him draw closer, waiting until he was just within range. “Now!”

The soldiers flung out the net and trapped the Purrgasus and its rider, pulling the struggling pair down to earth. The lieutenant and the lookout dragged the man out of the net while the others rushed to lash the hideous feline creature to the ground. Though it mewed pitifully, the captain was not moved. He knew that if given half a chance the Purrgasus would gleefully disembowel him. Ignoring the creature, he turned to the human prisoner.

“Let me go!” cried the bestubbled man, struggling against his captors as they removed a golden spear from his hands. Once the shining weapon was freed they passed it to the captain, who examined it briefly before responding to the prisoner’s plea.

“I think not, my friend,” the captain said. “The Traykee Purity Guardians will pay us a pretty penny when we deliver your head to them!” He poked the golden spear at the man’s neck.

“What?” The prisoner gulped.

“Are you hard of hearing?” asked the captain. Moving closer to the man he loudly replied, “I said, the Traykee Purists will pay us well for your head, Wil Wheaton!”

The man’s reaction surprised the captain. Instead of cowering in fear, he laughed. “Wheaton? You think I am the Wheaton?” He laughed again and shook his head, albeit carefully to avoid the spear still pointed at his neck. “I’m afraid there has been a misunderstanding – I am not Wil Wheaton.”

The soldiers looked at the man in confusion. Had they made a mistake? But their captain was not so easily swayed. “You’re a silver-tongued devil, Wheaton. How can there be any doubt that you are the Evil One? You’re just as the tales describe - riding on that feline monstrosity, carrying the golden spear of Epicosity and wearing the legendary Harlequin Sweater, knitted from finest mithril!”

The man nodded in agreement. “Yes, yes! And were I in your position I could only conclude the same. But please, let me assure you that in truth I am but a lowly orc. They call me John of the Scalzis, and my clan has been at war with the Evil One for eons. Why, it is only because of the trickery of the Wheaton that I appear before you thusly!”

The captain narrowed his eyes at the man and asked, “An orc? Do you take me for a fool?” He spat in disgust and pressed the spear tightly against the prisoner’s neck, causing the man to gasp.

“But I tell the truth!” he begged. “Only minutes ago I was battling the Wheaton at the pinnacle of Mount Fail. He was nearly defeated – all that remained was for me to remove his impenetrable Harlequin Sweater so I could stab him through the heart and utterly destroy him. However, no sooner did I pull the garment from his body than did the Evil One knock me to the ground and make his escape on foot! I was disheartened until I realized that, in his haste, he had left behind his creature, spear, and sweater. I took these things for my own and set off to find him.”

The captain shook his head and scoffed. “If you are a Scalzi orc, why do you look like a man? Where is your mossy green skin? Your pointy orc ears? Your splendid orc armor?”

“I see you are very observant!” the man replied. “It is obvious why you are the leader of this band.” The captain unsuccessfully tried to hide the smug grin that crept across his face. The prisoner continued, “Since you are such an intelligent man, I will let you in on one of the Wheaton’s greatest secrets. This enchanted Harlequin Sweater not only protects the wearer, but also disguises their appearance. When I removed the sweater from the Wheaton’s back he reverted to his true form – a horrible, putrid golem. And when I put the sweater on myself to replace my armor that the Evil One threw into Mount Fail, I was changed from an orc to a man!”

The captain pondered the prisoner’s story. Enchanted garments did seem to be packed with multiple magic powers these days. Why, just a few weeks ago he had come across the Mystical Mittens of Mott, which not only made the wearer invisible but also protected their fingers from frostbite. Perhaps the prisoner was telling the truth after all. He lowered the spear and the man gave a sign of relief.

The lieutenant noticed his superior’s change in attitude. He waved for one of the other soldiers to take his place holding the prisoner and came to the captain’s side. “Sir, should we not make him remove the enchanted sweater?” he asked. “That would prove beyond a doubt whether he is a Scalzi orc.”

The captain gave a great sigh. “You have much to learn, lieutenant. Of course we cannot.”

“But why?” the lieutenant asked.

“Tell me, have you ever seen a shirtless Scalzi?”

“No sir, I have not.”

“Then pray you never do!” The captain shuddered. “Now, please stop wasting my time and bring me the leftovers from breakfast.”

“Sir?” The lieutenant was bewildered.

“Don’t ask questions, just do as I say!” The lieutenant scurried away and returned several moments later carrying a platter filled to the brim with crispy, greasy bacon.

The captain took it from him. “Watch and you’ll see why I’m the one in charge here.” He stepped forward and offered the platter to the prisoner, saying, “Here friend, you must be—” but before he could add ‘hungry,’ the platter had been snatched from his hands and the prisoner was quickly devouring every last crackle. The captain gave a satisfied smirk. “You see?” he asked the lieutenant.

“See what, sir?”

“That you should never doubt me!” the captain answered. “Do you remember this old rhyme? Things made of meat, the Wheaton won’t eat…”

“But things made of pork are like catnip to orcs!” finished the lieutenant. “Of course!” He smiled for a moment, then frowned when another thought occurred to him. “But could not the Wheaton be acting? Pretending that he enjoys bacon so that we will believe his story?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the captain replied, watching the prisoner greedily lick the platter clean of grease. “Nobody’s that good.” He turned to the soldiers guarding the Purrgasus. “Cut it loose,” he commanded. To the prisoner he said, “I am deeply sorry for the misunderstanding, John of the Scalzis. You are clearly telling the truth and are free to go. We too wish to see the end of the Evil One, so may the gods shower good fortune upon you and your noble quest!” The captain held out the golden spear.

The man took it and replied, “Thank you, friend.” He mounted his feline steed and raised the spear in a salute. “I shall not fail!” At that, the Purrgasus beat its wings and the pair rose up into the burning sky.

“A cheer for the heroic orc!” the captain shouted and led the soldiers in a passionate “Hip, hip, hurrah!” They were so intent on their celebration that not one of them noticed when a real Scalzi orc appeared at the top of the hollow, wheezing and snorting in exhaustion from his run down the side of the volcano.

“Hey! Stop that guy!” the orc gasped between breaths. “Don’t let him get away!” Startled, the soldiers turned to look at the newcomer. That was a grave mistake, however, because the orc was wearing no shirt. Upon beholding that repulsive sight every last man and woman retched, heaving up the contents of their stomachs until the entire company lay weak and dazed on the ground.

The captain struggled to his feet but fell again when he caught another eyeful of the Scalzi orc’s chest. “In the name of all that is sacred, clothe yourself!” he cried.

The orc rolled his eyes. “Gee, I’d love to! But that jerk in the clown sweater stole my armor and threw it into Mount Fail!” The green monster roared in frustration at the departing Purrgasus and its rider, but stopped when his attention was caught by a smell rising from the stomach-churning mess in the camp. “Is someone making bacon?”

The End

Printing Your Own Book

Last November I participated in National Novel Writing Month, an event held online every year where thousands of people attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. I "won", which means that I did write a 50,000+ word novel in 30 days. One of the perks of winning was a free proof copy of my book from CreateSpace.com.

CreateSpace is an online self-publishing company affiliated with Amazon.com. It's free to get a basic account and publish a book as long as you do all the work yourself; you only pay for the actual printed copies. You upload a PDF of your book to the site, formatted exactly how you want it to appear in the final book including page sizes, numbers, etc. You create a cover for it, either by yourself or using one of their pre-formatted covers. For my book cover, I took a photo in my backyard (an antique key on some grass) and inserted it into one of CreateSpace's covers.

Next, someone at CreateSpace checks to make sure that your book will print correctly. It's a very basic check - mainly just to be sure that your PDF is the right size and nothing is going to be cut off on the edge of the page (they don't check for typos, missing pages or anything like that). Once your book has been checked you can order a proof copy. The cost depends on the size and page count of your book (mine was free thanks to NaNoWriMo, including free shipping!).

Your book is shipped to you, you check it over and if you're happy with it you can make it available for others to purchase at CreateSpace.com and Amazon.com. Or, if you're like me and you only want to have a copy for yourself, you don't have to make it available to purchase at all.

The hardest part of this (besides writing the book!) is formatting the PDF. It took me several days to get my book set up correctly. CreateSpace doesn't give you much help with the formatting, probably because they would prefer that you pay them to do it for you! So I used this website from self-published author Lisa Shea which goes through pretty much everything you need to know about printing your own book. She also gives her thoughts on the other two big self-publishing sites out there, Lulu and CafePress.

All in all I was happy with my free copy from CreateSpace. It was 224 pages long, which included my NaNoWriMo story plus a 43-page short short I threw in to make it a bit longer. I think the cover turned out nice, though you can see in the top photo that the front didn't turn out centered like it was in the second sample photo - it's cropped closer on the right side. Finally, the copy I got was a proof copy but the only place it said "proof" was on the very last page of the book. That's a good thing, because I was worried it was going to say it on every single page!

New Website Name: www.craftycattery.com

I've been meaning to get a real (non-blogspot) domain name for this blog for a long time and I finally broke down and did it today. Now the web address matches the blog name!

www.craftycattery.com

To celebrate, I've made a new banner starting one of my kitties (Sophie this time). I was hoping to put both Sophie and Lucy in the photo but couldn't get them to pose together.

You can still get here using the old web address (countingclocks.blogspot.com) if you need to. Why was it ever called Counting Clocks? I started this blog way before I got in to crafting and originally posted a couple of movie reviews and random rants about Dear Prudence and Dante Basco. I'm not sure why I decided to name it "Counting Clocks" then, I think it might've had something to do with liking that Coldplay song "Clocks". I think I wanted to name it "Ticking Clocks" after a lyric but that name was already taken, so I did "Counting" instead. When I decided to start a crafting blog, it seemed like a waste to create a new one from scratch so I just re-named it "The Crafty Cattery" but kept the original URL.

If you've been wanting to get a "real" domain name for your Blogger blog, I say go ahead and do it! Blogger makes it pretty painless, you can get everything done without even leaving the site and they took care of all the DNS pointing and other stuff I didn't understand. If you want to do it, just go to Blogger Help and search for "custom domain name".